Tens of thousands of people are dealing with grief each year due to suicide. Whilst it's impossible to tell someone how they should deal with grief, hearing from other’s experiences and understanding their process can sometimes help you take the first steps forward.
Being someone who was impacted by suicide in 2021 I wanted to document the steps I took to help me accept the loss and develop a new mindset to help me grow again.
It is easy to let devastating situations like this define your life but I took the position that it was either going to hold me back or define who I was.
For the last two years, I’ve used it to motivate me to build the truest life for me and I chose to live a life that the person I lost would be proud of.
To give some context;
Between October 2022 and December 2023 out of 4,899 deaths by suicide in England:
3,642 (74.3%) were in males and 1,257 (25.7%) in females
459 (9.4%) were in people aged 10 to 24, 1,862 (38.0%) in people aged 25 to 44, 1,862 (38.0%) in people aged 45 to 64, and 716 (14.6%) in people aged 65 and over
Men aged 45 to 64 years have had the highest rates of suicide for broad age groups since 2010 when the cause was recorded as suicide.
There is still a prevalent problem for modern society with mental health and we must do more as a collective to help those struggling and get them the help they need.
Here are some of the things I focused on to help me move forward.
1 - Take Your Time
You need to give yourself the time to grieve and process everything properly. This process cannot be rushed. Let it happen naturally to help you move on effectively with your life.
Grieving is a highly individual experience so take your time. Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions and you need to allow these emotions to exist and process through you for you to be able to heal.
Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. It is ok to go at a pace that suits you.
As they say ‘time is a healer’ so don’t try and speed through and ignore the process because grief will wait for the time when you stop blocking it to appear again.
2 - Talk
Whether it is talking about the person you've lost or talking about your feelings. Make sure you talk to someone about how you are processing everything. People are there for you and people will listen to you if you need an ear.
You need the love and support of others to get through this and talking is the most valuable exercise because it will allow you to get the thoughts out of your head that have been accumulating.
In the first six months, I talked intensely with immediate family and friends to come to terms with everything and try to express my feelings. If as a family you lose someone, know that talking with each other can be an incredible way of processing for everyone.
3 - Small steps forward
Finding the balance for moving forward can be hard. Some people want to do so much to keep their minds occupied and others want to do less to process everything.
There is no rule book but I found taking small proactive steps to get my life back on track after the shock was vital to healing me and helping me build up some momentum again.
Small steps are manageable and positive. I focused on balance, processing everything whilst doing things I loved, to be able to bring more positive moments back into my life.
You’ll get to a point where you'll want to make plans again and set goals. Use the love you have for that loved one to help motivate you to live life to the fullest again.
Live your life the best way you can and do so in a way that they would be proud of you.
4 - Live in the moment
Three years later I still have moments of getting lost in thoughts over that person. It can hit you out of nowhere and can stop you in your tracks. This is ok and normal.
Living in the moment can be a great healer. It can be refreshing to stop recollecting and dwelling. Meditation and connection to the outdoors were vital for me to be able to bring my focus back to the moment.
I would go on long walks through the countryside or be outside playing golf to give me moments of connection with the world.
Living in the moment with people around you too is vital. Reducing screen time and increasing conversation time. Making strong happy memories again and focusing on connection to people.
5 - Find gratitude
Be grateful that you had time with your loved one. Those memories will never die. They are yours and you own them.
Be thankful you were able to experience life with that person because the odds were heavily against that happening.
Finding gratitude in your daily life is essential too. You flick a switch that goes from looking for the negatives to seeing all the positives.
Once you practise being grateful for more things in your life then even more greater things appear, because you are open to seeing them and experiencing them.
6 - Live to make them proud
One of my biggest motivators is living a life that would make the person I lost proud. That means being authentic to myself and trying to live a happy and fulfilling life that challenges and educates me every day.
When you’ve reached rock bottom there's nowhere else to go but up so build knowing you can only grow. I used this for the last two years to start making steps towards the life I want to live.
It can be the strongest motivator to know you have nothing to lose. Losing someone to suicide made me realise this. Life is so short and precious that we don't have anything to lose by chasing our dreams.
This piece may or may not help but I’ve felt an urge for a long time to write this down for the small chance that it does.
I am Will Flindall, host of the Valley of Outlaws Podcast where I speak to those who have decided to take control of their life and follow a passion or instinct.
If you feel like you could be getting more from your life, then maybe one of the conversations I’ve had with the Outlaws might help you kickstart a change.
Peace x
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