Last week we said goodbye to my Grandma at her funeral. Six weeks after she passed we finally got to come together with all who loved her and appreciate the love she gave us and the amazing life she lived.
I’ve always found it very difficult to be present at these events as my mind races through memories and thoughts.
In some ways it’s almost the most intense time to grieve when you are sitting in a chapel with a coffin to one side and those who are with you overflowing with emotion.
My sister and I grew up only knowing one set of our grandparents with the passing of my Dad’s parents around my birth.
We were also the only grandchildren they had and therefore became the full focus of their retired lives.
With this, we gained the privilege of being the centre of attention in our family as the youngest offspring.
It meant that I felt a strong connection with my grandparents as I got to spend so much time with them.
We got to learn from their life experiences and allowed them to be the parents they wanted to be without the parenting responsibilities.
This enabled me to develop a very good relationship with my Grandma, one where our love for each other was shown in multiple ways. I would always share my love for her in person on greetings and goodbyes but often, as with most people I admire, I would tease too, as a grandson might do.
As I said in my eulogy, “She was able to cope with my loud and cheeky energy. For all the years of teasing that came her way from me, her love never dwindled. Our relationship was the perfect blend of love and support with moments of fun intertwined.”
Responsibility:
As the eldest grandchild I take it upon my shoulders to represent my sister and me when it comes to showing up in events like these.
It means I have to step up and speak for both of us when it comes to a eulogy.
When my uncle sadly passed away in 2021 I felt the same responsibility. He had no kids, wasn't in any sort of relationship and had just my Grandparents, my Mum and my Sister and I to support him.
Despite the huge emotions and shock we were experiencing from his sudden loss we both decided to be a part of his eulogy to read a poem that reflected our love for him.
After doing this I decided that I would have to show up and represent Emily and me for anyone else we lost in our immediate family, regardless of the fact I am usually a ball of emotions.
I am used to speaking in front of people having been chosen to do it several times through my youth but when I stood at the altar and read my part of the eulogy my emotions heightened more as I felt as if I was just speaking to my Grandma.
Regardless of how emotional I get when doing these readings, which I do, I know if I didn't step up and say some words my regrets would be strong. Therefore, saying some words to thank and celebrate the person I've lost is the least I can do. My responsibility to hold.
Reflection:
The first few weeks after you lose someone is strange. You are filled with moments of reflection where you are stopped in your tracks stuck in a past event remembering your time with that person.
Being a very visual person there are moments where I completely lose track of where I am and am so deep in a memory I’m almost transported away or dreaming.
It must be my grieving process to engross myself and experience it again so that I don't feel they are gone.
It’s amazing how strong your feelings can be in memory and how accurately you can remember details and emotions.
When writing my eulogy it came straight from the heart and those emotions. I had written a first draft in under five minutes recollecting little memories and jokes my Grandma and I made with each other.
I chose to speak about three areas in which I teased her most. Her height, her love for wine, and her stubbornness. Every part of her that made me love her more.
I wrote the following ‘Sometimes when I would arrive I'd see her come to the front door to open it and I’d drop down to my knees jokingly suggesting that it was a more suitable height for us to hug hello.
Other times I would tease her about her love for wine, offering bottles with a straw as opposed to a glass.
On occasion, we’d see her strong-willed nature and I’d call out the stubborn Mancunian in her. But every time I teased her I knew she knew it came from a place of love and admiration.
Opportunity:
With big loss comes big opportunity and now my Mum and Sister and my focus is on supporting my incredible Grandad, who bravely took the loss of his soul mate in his stride, faced up to the funeral and engaged in conversations with everyone who came to remember her.
Our opportunity now is to give him our full attention and support and make sure the remaining years of his life are filled with positive memories.
Our opportunity is to make sure our lasting memories of him are positive and not ruined with regret that we didn't show up when he most needed us.
I'll end with this, my final words from my eulogy.
"They say grief is all the unexpressed love you didn’t get to tell someone.
We told our Grandma we loved her every day we saw her but it still doesn’t feel enough."
I am Will Flindall, host of the Valley of Outlaws Podcast where I speak to those who have decided to take control of their life and follow a passion or instinct.
If you feel like you could be getting more from your life, then maybe one of the conversations I’ve had with the Outlaws might help you kickstart a change.
Peace x