Expectations

I think I’ve spent the majority of my life living with expectations of how things will play out.

It wasn't until I realised how these expectations set a limit to the outcome I wanted that I realised how much my fears had shaped me.

Having expectations for how something goes can work positively or negatively for us and many people talk about the benefits of having a clear vision for yourself or your future journey.

Seeing clearly how you want something to go, and understanding what it looks like, enables us to work towards an ending. It enables us to understand what it feels like to be in that place and gives us the enthusiasm to chase it.

The problem I’ve found is that it can also lead to discomfort.

I try my hardest now to not set expectations because I believe it can lead to a dramatic rise in anxiety and stress as we chase an idea or vision of something we don't truly understand.

I’m starting to see that part of growing up is understanding that we don't have control of outcomes but only have control over creating the opportunities for the outcomes we want to occur.

It was this switch of mindset that helped me settle into how I wanted to move forward with my life.

Control:

Expectations have also been a way for me to try and control outcomes. A way for me to justify to myself that I will be ok if I try something I am unsure about or something that is out of my comfort zone.

I was led by the fear of something going wrong rather than the possibility of anything going right. This heavily affected my ability to socialise and connect with people in environments I wasn't comfortable in because I would always try to feel in control of a situation to feel safe.

What I wasn't realising was that this fear or anxiety and the control I was trying to have over outcomes was just tangling me up into deeper and deeper knots.

The requirement to have so much control meant that I wasn't living freely. I was being restricted to a narrow window of possibility that stretched to the limits of my mind rather than the limits of anything.

It took a long time for me to break this, and it only happened when I hit rock bottom and gave up giving a fuck.

Judgement:

A lot of my issues stemmed from trying to be someone I thought my peers or wider society expected me to be.

It added pressure to think that there was a perfect version of me I could be in any situation I found myself in.

It's too easy to be caught in this mindset whether at work, in a relationship or with oneself. Our minds are powerful thought machines and it isn't until we learn that our thoughts aren't always right that we start to break free from the traps it sets.

I would always presume the way I needed to act or the outcome I needed to have for my time to be successful and this limited my ability to freely explore in the moments of opportunity.

My fear of not being someone who others recognised or approved restricted the weird and wonderful instinctive version of me that was sitting within.

Fear of being judged as not being good enough limited my ability to express and push myself to my limits.

This occurred no more obviously than on the football pitch at my school. When I was promoted to the 1st XII I felt so restricted in who I was and the footballer I wanted to be. I became reactive and not proactive and because of that lost my confidence and ability to impact.

The irony was that playing out of school, with people I knew less well, I was able to be free, try and fail and push my abilities further without caring about what people thought of me.

This seems to be a common trend for me whenever I meet and interact with new people. I am far more willing to be who I want to be rather than what I thought others expected of me when I am in the presence of those who don't know me well.

The knowledge that someone doesn't have any preconceptions of who I am is freeing but it wasn't until I evolved further to realise it doesn't even matter what others think that this freedom expanded beyond this.

The Unknown:

The unknown can be an extremely unsettling idea for people who like to know roughly what is going to happen in their lives.

For me, this used to be the case. Now, the unknown represents all possibilities and unlocks only growth.

My mindset is focused on experiencing everything that I want to experience without any restrictions and learning how I react to it. This freedom allows me to be anxiety-free and completely malleable to situations that are in front of me.

I can move from a position of truth and instinct and recognise that, whatever happens, I was being myself and the best version of me at that time.

The unknown presents opportunity now rather than persecution and this simple change has unlocked the inner child that was just looking to fit in.

Now I recognise that my smaller self is me, and the truest version of me reacts best in positions of learning and opportunity rather than a pre-planned idea of how I think I should be.

Relevance for you?

If I can leave you with one thought it would be this.

The best version of you is the truest version of you. The version who lights up with excitement and passion, the version who is engaged and willing to learn.

Expectations can dim the lights in these areas because we conceive ideas which we believe to be true without recognising that in the moment when we experience, we might feel differently towards who and how we want to be.

Let the unknown become a freeing thought of endless possibility and try your hardest to surrender to controlling these moments.

Learn to experience and not expect.

I am Will Flindall, host of the Valley of Outlaws Podcast where I speak to those who have decided to take control of their life and follow a passion or instinct.

If you feel like you could be getting more from your life, then maybe one of the conversations I’ve had with the Outlaws might help you kickstart a change.

Peace x